The hay fields are starting to get cut. The tracks in the foreground are from the tractor and discbine on its way to the hayfield near the campsite.
June 16, 2024
"You're sleeping your life away!!!" I can hear Grans voice saying to me, and in return I say out loud, "what life Gramma?" All I ever am, is in pain. Every day I wake up and suffer all day. I never have any sort of reprieve, I have a bit of a break in intensity, but I never have a time that I do not have pain. So, I sleep...well, I try to sleep anyway. At least I can get away from the pain for a bit. I still wake up during my sleep to pain, because of pain, (or hot flashes, or nightmares, there's always something) but at least when I am asleep, I am sort of away from it. Sometimes the pain is in my dreams too, and I do dream a lot. Sometimes that pain will even wake me from that dream and will be so intense it's no wonder I was dreaming about it, but for the most part sleep is the only time I get a bit of distance from the constant draining exhausting pain.
The best years of my life I wasted on tons of people who didn't give a shit about me and caused me so much trauma instead. And now I still have to deal with their abuse this many years later in the form of pain. It is the only way my brain was able to deal with all that bs but now I can't even function. My pain is always present, sometimes it sits at a 3, other times it's about an 8, and sometimes it's right off the scale...but there is never a time it is not present. I am always in pain!!! And I am always so tired...
And now when my life really should be peaches, I can't even enjoy it, because I still have to deal with all that crap from before. Sleeping my life away...what life!?! I finally get to live on the farm I always deserved. I have a Man who is the most incredible person I have ever met!! I finally have the chance to do everything I have ever wanted! But I hurt so badly all the time, which makes me so tired, that I hardly even get to enjoy any of this. I have the strength, thank god for that, but I don't have the energy, I'm just too tired and it's all because I was so badly used for the first 40 years of my life, that I can't even enjoy my life now. So, all I basically do is (crappily) sleep. It's all I can handle, it's what gets me through the few hours of functioning I can put up with. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Laying down hurts. Being indoors hurts. Being outdoors hurts. What am I supposed to do. At least when I am asleep, I have a small break...until laying down hurts, of course, so I wake up and try to find another position that is less painful that might let me fall back to sleep, until I wake up again, over and over...my sleep, although long, is hardly ever restful.
I'm strong. I'm very strong!!! I can handle the pain, if I could just find a way to not be so exhausted from it. I can work through the pain, I do work through the pain, I just need to find a way so either my work is easier to do, or I can find a way to have the energy I need to just keep working. I don't want to keep sleeping my life away. I want to get my work done. I want to go and have fun. I want to be awake more than what I sleep. We're already halfway through the month, were already halfway through the year ... hell, I'm basically halfway through a century ... and I've been asleep for most of it. Awkward, painful, unsettling, restless sleep, but still, not awake enjoying my one-time trip at this life. And what sucks the most is that my life right now is totally amazing, and I can't just live it!!! I absolutely love my home, I love my Man with my entire being, I love that I can do whatever I want...if I could just get past the pain and have the energy to live!!! I just want to live!!! The life I deserve!!! Because I really do love my life, if I could just have some energy to live it!!! And stop "Sleeping my Life Away!!"