In the middle of a snow globe today!!!
February 3, 2025
I began writing the next parts to my book...1 - 3...after last week's therapy session. Somehow after letting those two Parts, the Two Little Vultures that have been hounding me for so long, have a chance to take a break and just be, I was able to feel free to write my stories. Now there was another pull, as those who have read my book "The Plaid Price Part 4" had been saying they wanted to know what led to where I am now from Parts 1 to 3...so that made me want to write them...but also the main pull was having this heaviness (the Two Little Vultures) off my shoulders really helped me be able to write and let lose all the old feelings and stories.
But I am noticing that with this new writing, now come the triggers. While I write I am able to hold back pretty much every feeling, except cynicism and anger, which can be heard in my writing. I believe being able to hold back most of these emotions has a lot to do with the ADHD, I am able to hyperfocus and just be in that moment of writing. But even when I'm done writing for the day my brain is still going through the stories...she won't shut off...so feelings are still being stirred up. Then when I sleep, the bizarre dreams have returned to their usual highly coloured, tremendously vivid chaos and it's agitating other Parts in me. I now feel very resentful and disillusioned again about my past. I am sharing a lot of the trauma and other bullshit that I had endured, which is good to get it out... but it's making me so angry at the fact that I shouldn't have had to go thought all that. That the amazing Man I am with now should have been with me all this time. He was in arms reach for decades, at every turn, so why couldn't I have just met him back then. I've said this I'm sure at least once in a blog (or two...or three) ...but I just so feel like I was gipped out of this amazing relationship, for what...for decades of some of the shittiest, most useless violent situations that no one should ever have to deal with. Instead, I could have been with the most incredible Man I have ever known. Maybe I could have had a normal life. With a normal family. And maybe even a normal career. Maybe I too could have been normal(ish). And this keeps eating at me. Now that I am writing my horrific past, these Parts have come full force and want so badly to just have had that life with my Man... how I had deserved that. So, in therapy today, we talked about recentering myself after writing, to take a few minutes and meditate, letting my entire Self and Parts know we are safe and calm, and maybe I can lessen the chaos that has become a tornado in my brain as I write these stories.
Quite often, I give the Universe shit for screwing up so badly...that whoever is in charge of my file needs a good kick in ass for making such huge mistakes. "Everything happens for a reason"...damn I hate that saying...but it better be right...and something good had better come from decades of abuse ... instead of having decades of an amazing relationship with the most incredible Man. I hope my writing and sharing will help me heal from all that shit I endured. And I truly hope that there really is meaning for all of it...that maybe this was all so I could help others find a way out of their own absolute bullshit and see that there is more out of life. That we really are not defined by the crap that happened to us. That we can move forward, heal, become something greater than what we had ever dreamed of. I know the writing and triggers are going to keep on happening, but I'm going to keep pursuing this until I am healed ...and Universe willing... it will all mean something amazing in the end.