Chocolate Sunflower from my yard!
August 23, 2024
This is the main reason I write...I am looking for understanding. Yes, I write to release the burdens forced upon me. I also write in hopes that maybe it can help someone else. But mostly I write for understanding...my own understanding, so I can see why I am the way I am, and if or how I can make myself better. But mostly I write my stories for others so that they can understand me, they can see why I am this way and maybe even convince them to show me some understanding and compassion.
Now not everyone treats me poorly, but those who do, have no right to treat anyone poorly..."Everyone's battling demons we know nothing about, be kind!"...and I've had decades of demons, all of which have really scrambled me up.
I'm also not writing for attention...there is no "Poor Me" syndrome because that's not the way I am. I'm the type of person that wants to just "fix this shit!" I am headstrong, gung-ho, trying everything in my power to reverse theses scrambled eggs and maybe do something great for myself...and maybe even for others too.
Sure, some days I'm like F this shit and just want to give up...why bother trying so hard? ...but then I just keep pushing forward ... "Tomorrow's another day!!!" - RD
But I want to share my stories so people can give me some understanding. The way I am treated, especially by doctors, is so disheartening. And they're the ones who should be the most understanding out of everyone, yet they are some of the worst.
Because my health issues are not visible, I am treated like I'm making it all up. Like I'm just a liar, or a hypochondriac, and I am not taken seriously. They don't 'see' an 'ill person' and that must mean I am faking for their attention. 'Because I don't have a walker or I'm not in a wheelchair, then my pain is not real?' I work very hard to keep myself active and mobile despite the horrific pain I am in daily. And worse, because I have mental health issues, when I go to the ER they treat me like crap, like I am just there to waste their time...because people with mental health issues are garbage? 'Sure, OK, I have nothing better to do then sit in the waiting room for hours on end, feeling like shit for whatever reason, just to finally get in to see the Dr, for them (Usually HIM) to talk down to me and dismiss me and my symptoms completely....yes, I just love hanging out at the hospital, waiting for hours amongst horribly sick people barking all around me, just to be treated like a piece of shit by the attending Dr...so fun!!! What a wonderful way to waste a good half day of my life...to end up going home feeling worse than when I arrived and not only am I no further ahead, but I'm also usually that much farther behind because one, I wasted half a day, and two they've made me feel that much worse' ...nice... (this makes me so angry)
Eg.1) In 2004 when the Trigeminal Neuralgia first erupted, I went to the ER because the pain was beyond incredible. After hours of waiting, the Dr told me it was TMJ disfunction, gave me morphine which made me very ill, and I was vomiting into a garbage can. He came in and was disgusted with me, made me sit out in the hall with a bedpan now to use for vomit, and left me like that for another hour or so until he finally came back and told me to "go home". So now I was in even worse pain from the pressure of vomiting and the serious side effects I had from the morphine, but he just sent me home anyway.
Eg.2) Late that same year I was heavily medicated and started having uncontrollable shaking...like seizures but I was awake for them. I went to the ER...the attending Dr came in and told me to "Stop shaking" and sent me home...years later a psychiatrist told me it was Serotonin Syndrome that was causing the seizures, and I could have died ... but instead I was treated like crap, ignored, and sent home ... again, nice ...
And because I don't want to let my mental health issues change my personality, I keep smiling. I am a smiler! I love to smile! It makes me happy..."laugh, or cry...I'd rather laugh!" And, don't I deserve to be happy?!, especially after all the shit I've endured. It's bad enough I had to go through ALL that crap in the first place, why should I have to still be sad/angry/depressed about it. I don't deserve that! I didn't deserve the crap in the first place, and I sure as hell don't deserve to still be all torn apart (scrambled up) by it either, and yet, I still get shit on for smiling.
Eg.1) One Dr said bitchily to me "So then why are you smiling?!" as we discussed my depression and trauma. So, the only emotions I am allowed to have, are as shitty as my situations had been! ...that's bullshit!
Eg.2) The receptionist at another Dr's office asked me what I was there for, and I said "Depression"...she responded all snarky and snotty "Well you don't look depressed!!!" - Oh, and WHAT exactly does 'Depressed' Look Like!!?? (...she really pissed me off...)
Smiling is one of my MANY coping mechanisms...it's also my favourite! I love smiling! I was always told I was the 'Happy One'...it was just far inside me to be happy...and then it was what was expected of me, so it deepened and became a major characteristic of mine...and sadly they seem to see it as a flaw and use that against me..."how dare a damaged person like you have any joy or happiness inside?!"...makes no sense to me. Everyone deserves to have happiness and joy, from the super blessed to the terribly broken...no one deserves it any more than anyone else. It's not my fault I had a shit deck of cards thrown at me, why do I have to remain miserable because of that!? And especially just to appease those who can't seem to think those who are broken can have happiness and joy in their hearts no matter what their circumstance were like.
I choose to be happy. I choose to find joy. I love smiling!!! ... and making others smile too! Life is too short and full of enough crap so to spend it completely miserable all the time is unfair and just absolute bullshit! Everyone deserves happiness!!! I deserve to be Happy!!! I am going to keep on sharing my stories, so people become more understanding and compassionate towards me ... AND ... I AM GOING TO KEEP ON SMILING!!!
More shots of the same Chocolate Sunflower because she is gorgeous!!!
...and makes me smile!!!