February 21, 2024
I've been totally stressing over promoting my writing and trying to become a Motivational Speaker so I can help others heal. But it's totally stressing me out and it's making me question why I am doing all this. The purpose of my writing is to help me heal...and if I can help someone along the way than that would be wonderful...but my main goal is me and I'm beginning to see the toll this stress is taking on me. I was lying awake again (freaken insomnia...and ADHD) thinking about how I'm putting so much effort into trying to sell my book and finding others to collaborate with me...but why...I should be happy with where things are ... I have everything I need. A beautiful, warm safe place to live, a wonderful man who looks out for me. I do as I please and should just be focusing on my healing. If my books sell and reach others who can heal from my stories that is fantastic, but if they never move, that should be fine too. I am stressing over something that wasn't even part of the plan...the plan was my own healing journey. I thought that meant, helping others, but my stressing at pushing my work is not helping me...and I am my first and most important priority.
I still plan to keep writing my blogs, publish Parts 1 - 4, finish Part 5, and keep trying to become a motivational speaker. But I need to stop stressing out over it all and pushing myself so hard. My ADHD doesn't need this type of constant battle. She's already hard to please, I am never 100% proud of myself because of her; she always points out flaws, what I could have done better, etc...or maybe that's even the negative talk I've received from most others throughout my life...or it's both which makes it that much more difficult to handle...but whatever it is, I don't need the constant barrage of negativity. I just want to sit and write and release the old crap and feel free of it all. That is the entire purpose of my healing journey.
I'll still keep moving forward, I have gained a lot of momentum and am super proud of what I have accomplished (as much as I can with ADHD). But I need to stop stressing over it. The stress is making my pain worse, as well as my mood. The ADHD makes me negative and angry, and this exacerbates the pain, which is already a constant daily nuisance.
I really want to help others; that's just in me to be that way...always has been...but I can't help anyone if I am not getting better. So, I need to stop being so focused on pushing my writing and reaching those goals, until I can reach my initial, and most important goal, healing myself. If it all comes together and happens, then that's awesome...if not, well then, it is with is. So, I'm going to step back a bit and just write for the sake of healing, and if this goes somewhere else, that's great, but as long as I can heal, that is what matters the most...that's the whole point of this...this is 'My Healing Journey'.