April 11, 2024
I try to use positive affirmations to help change my mindset. I tell them to myself as often as I can, but I also have many placed throughout the house, so I see them often, making it easier to focus on them. I put them in places that I frequent so I notice them and read them as many times as I can during the day. I dissociate a good 85% of the time, then ruminate about my past more often than not, so for me I find having these affirmations around everywhere help bring me back to the present and I can focus on the good things in my life now and be happy. I am working so hard at being happy and loving my life, as my life truly is worth loving, but it is a long process and I have many obstacles that I have to fight with daily to stay in the present and enjoy what I have now. And I truly love my life, I have everything I could ever want.
I have an incredible boyfriend who is the kindest, sweetest, most loyal Man I have ever been lucky enough to have in my life!!! He helps me daily in so many ways! He is by my side encouraging me often, and when I need it, he is there holding my hand, leading me on, as I try so hard to dig myself out of this muddy pit I call my past. He really is the greatest!!! I also live in a beautiful home, because of him, that is safe, cozy and fun, where I get to do whatever I want. On days when I'm feeling pretty good, I get to go play and enjoy being on this big farm. Days when my pain is incredibly high and I'm completely exhausted, I can just take it easy and do what I have to do just to heal. I could not ask for a better place to live; especially with the way my body is now. I truly am Grateful, Thankful and Blessed!!!
Despite the constant pain and exhaustion, I am moving forward with my life. I am working on my writing, trying to give myself some sort of a career, and am even getting ready to publish one part of my memoir as I work through my terribly traumatic past. But because I am dealing with all those traumas, I need these constant reminders to bring me back to present and center me, letting me know I am safe and that my life is wonderful now and not let myself dwell on the past. It's difficult, especially when it was so dark, dangerous and terrifying for so very long. And the constant dissociation and ruminating that I have always done as coping mechanism from early childhood, both of which I thought was entirely normal behaviour, are two things I have to fight with daily. It is so normal and easy for me to dissociate, and then ruminate, that I get caught in that rabbit hole and can sink pretty deeply, quite quickly and all my gains seem lost. I don't want to waste any more of my life on 'their' problems, 'their' burdens, I just want to let it go, give them back their problems and burdens, so I can focus on living the best life I can and enjoy what I have left.
I have a fantastic life now and I deserve to enjoy it!!!
