My Beautiful Home!!!
August 29, 2024
For the past few days, I have listened to what I guess is supposed to be constructive criticism, but my Parts only hear negative criticism...like as though the two people are fighting, raising voices and talking down, degrading the staff member so badly that my Parts want to run and hide...and we have been. If it had been me on the receiving end, I would have started crying and quit right there on the spot...my Parts can't handle that kind of treatment...it feels like abuse, and we know those negative verbal assaults far too well. To sit by and listen to it, whether it's meant to be so rough or not I don't know, but my Parts are taking it personally and it's not even directed at them, they just remember this kind of treatment and want so badly to stay as far away from it as possible.
Now they haven't called anyone names or been physical or anything like that, it's mostly just the raised octave level, the negative tone of voice and the words being used, is just getting my back up. I personally don't like raised voices as it leads to yelling, and I hate being yelled at...my first twenty years was spent being yelled at...so even the slightest raised voice gets my Parts worked up and ready to run and hide.
So, my Parts and I have been hiding in the house...which is too bad because it is absolutely beautiful outside right now, but I don't want to have to face these people...instead I have closed my windows and put the covers over so they too can't see me. Nothing against either of them of course, it's just the way they interact with each other has made my Parts so upset and timid that I don't want to have to deal with anything. So, I am inside the house writing and hiding, just doing my own thing...but man is it ever nice outside...I hope they are done soon so they leave, and I get to go and enjoy some of this beautiful day.
But my poor little Parts are so upset with how they interact, and I can feel my back tightening up even more-so than usual, and the anxiety in my stomach stirring worse than normal, as they remember all the negative talk they use to get over the years. There was no understanding, no patience, no clear directions. Somehow, we were expected to just know what was to be done and when it wasn't done right, we were 'corrected' for it...verbally, emotionally, physically, it didn't matter, it was our fault, and we had to be punished for not doing it right the first time. Sometimes those corrections were being called terrible names, sometimes it was yelling, sometimes it was physical assaults ... and worse, sometimes it was all three ... but it was always hurtful, degrading, painful, and oh so lonely.
So, to be sitting here listening to two grown adults behave this way makes my poor little Parts so very scared, sad, alone, and confused. I talk to them to let them know they are safe, and the big bad men will be gone soon and all will be back to our usual safe, fun-loving, happy life. But it's so 'funny' (not haha funny, just weird funny) how something that has nothing to do with me, none of this behaviour is directed at me at all, still has so much impact on my psyche and how it stirs up my poor little Parts and the horrific abuse they endured and how hard it was for them, for me as a small child, adolescent, young adult, to endure this kind of abuse, then just absorb it and hide it deep inside of me. Now to be dealing with it and all the pain it brings up, emotionally and physically. I am so glad I am away from that and in a safe, loving, carefree environment, where I can just be myself and heal! This has been the best ten years of my life living on this farm and I am so grateful and lucky to be here!!! Sadly, I know I'll never feel completely safe ... but it's so wonderful to feel this safe!!!... something I have never had in my entire life until now!!!
Just sharing some beautiful pictures of the beautiful farm on such a beautiful day!!!
I am so blessed and lucky to be here, to be safe, and to be alive!!!
