Mental Health:

January 30, 2024

Will discuss my mental health diagnoses, really break down what they are, how they affect me, and how the trauma affected my mental health.

I am quite interested in discussing Mental Health because it is the main cause of nearly all my issues. Yes, the traumas were what lead to most of my mental health issues, which led to my numerous physical health issues, but they are still minimal to what I have to deal with mentally on a daily basis. Mental Health really is the most difficult thing to deal with, you can't just ignore them, and they'll go away. Chronic pain you can get used to, other physical health issues you learn to live with, but mental health, if you don't nip it in the bud, it just takes over and becomes all consuming. This in turn makes all the other health issues multiply until you're finally lost in a huge muddy pit that you can't get out of...or at least feel there is no way out. That was me, for many years, up until about this time last year when I was so suicidal I couldn't see anything further. I felt it deep inside my bones, the pull to just end it all was so rampant and relentless, I could hardly breath it was so invasive, right into my soul. And what sucked the most was that I was finally in a space where I was safe, for the first time in my entire life. I had a beautiful home I rented where I could just be myself, an amazing boyfriend whom I could count on and trust which I had never had before, a chance to have a pretty decent life and yet I couldn't get beyond my past that kept dragging me back into a loop of ruminating, of anger and resentment, heart ache and loss. I couldn't understand why I had to go through all that in the first place. And why I still had to deal with it now after all this time as my body kept failing on me more and more. My mental health was literally just scrambled eggs, and my body was suffering for it, I knew I needed to have psychotherapy, but I could not afford the type and duration of therapy I needed. The more I tried to get ahead the more things became worse. The physical pain was constant and every time I tried to do anything it would set me back by weeks at a time. I tried to work, at a number of little jobs, but it was just too much for me. I took classes so I could teach at my own home, but that too became too much. I did my art, but it too hurt. I couldn't do much of anything, and I was losing any hope I still had. Then suddenly, I was finally able to find the type of psychotherapy I had been looking for all along. It was completely covered, and I can stay with her for as long as we need or want. You will read in later posts why it took this long, mostly at the hands of my abusers due to their financial abuse, but here I am almost a year in and feeling a million times better and absolutely no longer suicidal which I am so grateful for, it's wonderful to have that heavy weight taken off my heart. My pain is still daily, and the headaches never stop but my pain level is much lower, and I am in a much better frame of mind. And now that I am beginning to feel light and airy, I wanted to share my stories with others so that maybe this might help them even just a little.

So, I am going to tell you my Mental Health diagnoses and in later posts I will share more about them and what I have found that has helped me deal with them. I have carried these issues with me most, if not all, of my life. One for sure from birth, the rest, most probably, not long after. I'll also share incorrect diagnoses, how I was incredibly over-medicated, and how poorly I was treated by the medical field. I would really like to help with reducing the stigma on mental health so that we can feel free to discuss this more openly and get the help we deserve.

And now I will begin. my physical health issues far exceed my mental health issues, but I am positive the mental health contributes to my physical issues which will be discussed in my next post.

I was born with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (A.D.H.D) but this was not diagnosed until my mid to late 20's. I was born in 1975 after all, back then I was just considered a nuisance and lazy.

In elementary school I showed signs of ADHD, dissociation seen as laziness and day dreaming, anxiety and depression in the form of night terrors, easy startle response as I was always on high alert, and numerous chronic illnesses. By the beginning of middle school, the depression, fear and anxiety escalated so I tried to stay away from my parents' residence as many weekends as possible and had also began drinking. Once high school started the clinical depression, severe anxiety, intense anger, and suicidal ideations erupted, fueled by alcohol and later narcotics. None of this was ever noticed and if it was it was not acknowledged, no one seemed to care what was going on with me.

I was not diagnosed with depression or anxiety until I was 21 and in college, where my program coordinator saw that I needed help and brought me to see the school therapist. I was severely depressed, suicidal and was mostly in a chronic dissociated state. I tried to find therapy but all that was given to me were antidepressants. This roller-coaster kept going throughout my 20's and most of my 30's, always trying to find psychotherapy but only getting the drugs instead. In my early mid 30's I finally found one psychotherapist that I was hoping to work with until I got better, I couldn't really afford her, but she had me on the low end of her sliding scale and we were really getting somewhere but then I wasn't allowed to see her anymore. Mostly I just found a bunch of short-term psychotherapies throughout those two decades and even some during my 40's but all that did was have me only regurgitate the abuse, making me relive it over and over, just to leave me hanging, alone dealing with the demons brought up and not knowing what to do with them. During my late 30's was when I was diagnosed with Childhood and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C & C.P.T.S.D) while I was dealing with my last abusive relationship as he basically made me relive my entire traumatic life for his enjoyment. And only in this past decade has the anger, dissociation and night terrors, been brought to light.

List:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - ADHD
Childhood and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – C & C-PTSD
Clinical Depression
Suicidal Ideations
Severe Anxiety
Anger
Dissociation