February 13, 2024
I've decided to begin my blogs here in mental health as this really is my main focus and goal for this website. After spending almost three decades trying to get the help I really needed, and truly deserved, I have seen the way we are treated and want more than anything to have the stigma of mental health disorders changed in our society. We are made to feel inferior because of our illness which leads us to feel disappointment, embarrassment and shame for having this illness(es). This stigma comes from a lack of understanding which in turn makes us reluctant to seek help. With lower mental health stigma, we can discuss mental health more openly and hopefully it will no longer be ignored. Untreated mental health conditions have many consequences and can result in unnecessary disability, unemployment and poor quality of life just to name a few. We are considered lazy and lacking motivation and are told to try harder or to even just get over it. Mental health issues are not something we can just ignore, and it will go away, or take a little pill and we are all healed. It is an illness that only gets worse over time when we try to ignore it and becomes all-consuming if we don't do everything necessary to try and heal. I am going to begin with talking about psychotherapy as it is something I had tried many times over the decades to get, and as I never had the funds, only ever received short term treatments which doesn't work for long term trauma.
I am now in my first full year of long-term psychotherapy, and I couldn't be happier with my situation and progress. I have seen a huge switch in my mental state, including emotions and physical pain. I still have bad days and pain every day, but I am usually able to shake the negative moods and can handle the pain level for the most part. I feel happy now more often than not and I am excited about a future that I wasn't sure I was going to see even just a year ago. I have more energy despite still having poor sleep and I also am more ambitious even with the constant daily pain and headaches. Even as I sit here at my kitchen table at 7:40pm writing, I am in pain, the left side of my face hurts, my shoulder blades are beginning to burn and I've had a stitch in the back of my neck all day that no matter how much I worked out, massaged and stretched today, it still has not let go. But my mood is great, and I am still happy with how my life is and where I am right this very moment.
The type of therapy that we are doing is called Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. This type of therapy works best for those who have had childhood trauma. Today is February 13th, 2024, and I began this journey just over one year ago on February 11th. So much has changed for me in such a short time, and I am so grateful I get to work with my Psychotherapist and do this type of therapy. It has made the most sense for me and just that in itself caused a lot of these changes. The system has the “Self” then there are “Parts”, and we are all made up of a number of different parts. They call the parts, Managers, Firefighters and Exiles. Now, the way I see it personally, there is still the Self, but my parts are Warriors and Children, the idea of calling any of my parts Exiles really hurts my heart so I don't even like that word. I also don't see the others as managers and firefighters, I find Warrior is more fitting as they are there to survive and protect. And the Children are the ones who saw the worst of everything, so the Warriors, whom most are also Children, as again, they did see a lot, are there to help guide and fight for the other parts that weren't as strong and needed extra help and attention. These Warriors hold onto the Children when they are in a bad space and watch over them to protect them when they are free to roam and live.
These “Parts” made so much sense to me, it helped make all the talking in my head more understandable. I knew there were an 8-year-old and a 15-year-old in my head as they had been with me all this time and were very prominent as they both saw the worst of everything that my Self endured and always remained by my side. But there was so much more talking going on in my head, and I just figured that was how things were, I thought that was how the head works. Instead, to find out these are actually parts of me, and they all have their own burdens that they carry that need to be acknowledged, released and healed so that we can become whole and healthy. They talk constantly and my Self is less and less present when they are very active. I spend a lot of time dissociated listening to them ruminate about the past, daydream about the future, some become angry and resentful, others are happy and want to thrive and move forward. With this therapy the goal is to learn to heal these parts and then in turn heal my Self and my body, calm my mind down, stay present and enjoy the moment, actually live my life.
I have been working with my parts, and throughout the day I ask them to leave my head so I can focus on one thing at a time, mostly being in the present moment. I tell them to “Go Play” as really, they are just children and what better way to spend time then playing. I tell them they've been trapped in the darkness of my skull, trapped in a dungeon, missing out on their lives and that they deserve to get out. That they need to feel the sun, smell the fresh air, play with the creatures, go and do everything they wanted to do when we were that age but didn't have the opportunity for whatever, usually horrible, reason. They deserve to have a chance at a life that was fun and safe, and I offer them that as often as I can so that, one, they can go out and heal and have fun, and two, so I can just be, and calm myself, and feel present and live my life for what it is now, this far in my journey.
I know this all sounds bizarre, and I feel the same way sometimes, but the thing is, it really works. It's so nice to just empty out my head of all the talking and take control of my Self and see what I have been missing out on by almost always being on autopilot, dissociated, trapped far inside my head listening to constant chatter. I still don't know all my parts yet, again, we saw a lot of horrific things in our life so there are a lot of different parts, but I can say that I still love every one of them. They got me through some really tough times, and I wouldn't be here without them. The ones the program would call Exiles, I love maybe even slightly more as they were so badly hurt and wanted so much to end it all, which I completely understand, some things were just horrific, yet they still stayed alive despite it all. They still remained good, honest, helpful, loyal, and loving, even after all the hurt, sickness, and depravity they had to endure. They truly are remarkable parts, the strongest of them all, and although they were angry, suicidal and absolutely exhausted, they still survived, and I have to commend them for such bravery, courage and strength!!! They are incredible!!! As is this program, and I am so grateful to be here right now, meeting all my parts!!!