It's another rainy day but it is still beautiful and quite peaceful with the soft patter of rain on the tin roof and Robin's singing while searching for food.
June 7, 2024
I've had tons of pretty decent sleep, yes I wake up a lot, but that's nothing new. It's still pretty restful despite the constant pain I am in. I toss a lot and have to find different ways to lay but I can usually make it work for me long enough to get a few hours' sleep before I wake up to pain again and need to find another position...so to me that's pretty good. But still, I'm just so tired!
This exhaustion due to pain, triggers a Part(s) that just want to give up though, sadly. She (They) starts to just get so angry and short with everything, including my Self. And then becomes fed up with life. She's a very tired, angry Part (from IFS Therapy) that often says, "I just want to fall asleep and never wake up." She soooo tired! It's hard being in pain all day every day, then this Part just steps in and She is difficult to shake because really, my Self is soooo tired too and together We sink into this exhausted despair.
When I'm feeling like this, I get up late into the day. It takes all of me just to get my chores done. And I sit and wallow in this mud We're stirring up in my head. Most days I can push through the constant pain and exhaustion, and I try so hard to be optimistic and see the positive in things, but when She/They are out, I can't seem to get around them. And it sucks because this too is so exhausting...which in turn makes the constant pain that much more intense and makes this Part(s) that much more upset...and so on...
Yes, the weather has also been a factor the last little while, first the high heat and humidity, and now the rainstorms we've been having. It's still beautiful out despite all that but I can't even really enjoy it with this pain and exhaustion. Yesterday I even went back to bed for a while (after I played in the rain). I'm not usually one for naps though, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open, and I couldn't take the pain anymore either...so I laid on top of my comforter and covered myself with the top extra blankets and slept like that for at least an hour. I did wake during that time because of pain but fell back to sleep after I repositioned myself...only to wake up to pain again but got up so I could sleep that night.
Now, I am also PMSing as my 26th day should be this Monday, so that does have a factor in this exhaustion, pain and anger too, but it's the Part(s) that I just can't shake. She/They seem so strong and get such a good hold on my Self and We just feel so lost and hopeless...something I can usually get away from most days...just not with Her/Them in the mix. I do still love these Parts of Me, of course, they are so strong and have been through so much, but they need to have Their burdens released so They can function in a healthier environment, with a much better outlook. This is the only way my Self will be able to heal.
During yesterday's storm...I was playing out in this (despite the exhaustion and pain I still tried to have some fun) ...unknown to me, at this exact time, a tornado was touching down not 15km away near the owner's other farm.