November 13, 2024
I posted a short video I did of the weather today here at the farm onto my Instagram account because it was such a gorgeous day that I really wanted to share it with you all. In the caption though, I actually apologize for the shaky video, which makes me feel badly that I had to say that, but I wanted to let you know why it was shaky, that it wasn't just a poorly shot video, but that I actually cannot help myself from shaking.
I have what is called Essential Tremor. It is a nervous system condition, or neurological condition, that causes the body to have an involuntary and rhythmic shaking. This can affect any part of the body but most often the trembling is in the hands. I was diagnosed with it in my mid-twenties but god only knows how long I had it before then. It is not a dangerous condition but typically worsens over time. It can be caused by genetics, but in my case it's most likely from the numerous traumatic brain injuries I had endured as a baby, small child and young adult, none of which ever received treatment.
The tremor is more noticeable when I'm feeling worse than normal, when my anxiety is high, when I'm overly excited, when I've been doing physically excessive labour, when I am really cold, or when I am just plainly exhausted from chronic illness/pain. It is seen when I am trying to hold a cup or a utensil, while writing or typing, or even just trying to punch in the buttons on a point-of-sale machine.
It's not a big deal in the sense of my life when it comes to my hands shaking because I am used to it ... so I spill food on my shirt, it washes off. But my brain does the same sort of movements with my vision and that's where I have major issues. Now, I don't know if what is happening in my brain is the same thing as my body, the Essential Tremor, but it has the same vibration in my vision and it makes things so much more difficult for me. (I will discuss this again, as it in itself is at least one more topic ... ok, a few more topics; Traumatic Brain Injuries/Unconsciousness-untreated, Abuse/Beatings, Night Blindness, Vertigo, Depth Perception Issues, Astigmatism, Snowflake Vision, Clumsiness.) It makes things blurry although my vision is basically perfect, still 20/20 with minute near sighted in one eye and far sighted in the other, plus astigmatism in one. But besides that, the Optometrist can't find anything else wrong to be causing all those issues, so he says it's Neurological. (I am waiting to hear back from my Neurologists office to discuss the Optometrists findings and see where we go from there.) I see movement all the time, the Optometrist calls in Snowflake vision, I called it Mottling as it's the style of painting I have been doing for decades as that's just how I see...like pointillism, but this stuff is constantly moving as though there's a layer of water above it...with my eyes open or closed I can still see it. Whether this is from the Essential Tremor though, I can't say. But the physical aspect of the Essential Tremor can become tiring as it does take energy out of you. And especially since it usually hits when I am in a heightened sense ... pain, anxiety, illness, excitement, etc. ... it really does add to the exhaustion. My hands shaking, not terrible, my brain/vision shaking, exhausting!!!
I don't know if we'll ever figure this out, and if we do, I have a hard time thinking anything can be fixed now, the head traumas were decades ago, so I think it is what it is ... but it would be kind of nice to at least put everything into perspective and know what all I am dealing with ... what may become of it later on so I am prepared ... and knowing that I did all I could to at least keep myself in a semi-healthy state for as long as I can. I deserve to give myself at least that much!!!
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