September 14, 2024
Dreams - Sadness and Anger
Last night's (Friday the 13th) sleep was very emotional. I was exhausted from volunteering all week at our local fair as I helped with set up and manning one of the exhibits during the event. So, when I hit the pillow last night I was out! But when I woke up next, it didn't feel like I had been out for very long, and I woke up crying. Nothing new, I do that periodically, but this time it was straight out bawling; eyes full, tears streaming down my face, it was actually quite shocking to have that much liquid on my face. And at first it didn't seem real...almost like I was still in a dream...until I actually touched it with my hands as I wiped at my face, did it finally become real.
I ended up using my sheet to wipe off my tears, there was that much, then I rolled over and went back to sleep, but it again wasn't restful, and instead the dreams came back and went from sad to angry, and when my alarm rang, it broke off another very upsetting dream.
The first dream, where I am crying, was about my Grandma. I was still living in her house, where I had lived for nearly 13 years, taking care of her, Grandpa, a Great Aunt and then my mother. My mother had (in real life too) moved in when Grandma got sick and became 'supreme ruler of all' once again. (She has major control issues big time! ...and I am being polite here.) In the dream, I am unable to find Grandma, she is gone...I don't know if she is just missing or actually passed away, and no one is telling me anything. I just keep hunting for her, and I am crying and crying because I am so worried about her and miss her so much...then I wake up crying and my heart is aching with complete sadness for the actual loss of my Gran!!! I wipe my off face and go back to sleep.
This leads on to the second dream...
The second one, the angry dream, was about my Man and my mother. This was half real, sort of. The part about how I felt about mother in the dream is totally legit how I feel about her in real life. I was super angry with her, which in reality, I truly am...and rightfully so. But in the dream, I was doing what I won't ever do in real life. I was speaking so rudely to her, swearing, calling her names, calling her out for all the bullshit she put me through, all the things I would never say for real because I am too nice of a person and wouldn't want to hurt her regardless of how horribly she had treated me. This is why I have chosen not to talk to her in real life, because I know these things will come out once she has pushed enough buttons, and she will, then I will explode ... but I don't want that to happen, as I know it'll hurt me too ... and why should I have to feel bad, so I just stay away instead.
There's at least two of my Parts that want to be themselves here though, the 'Good One(s)' who doesn't like to hurt others, especially the elderly and especially our own flesh and blood...not that that really seems to mean much. But then there's the "Angry One(s)" who just want to get all the decades of absolute bullshit off our chests, so they'd love to tell off all those who have hurt us. But the Angry Parts are very respectful of the Good Parts who just want to keep the peace and just be good, kind, loving and wonderful.
And then there's my Man who is the greatest and is always on my side no matter what...so this dream was not him at all. But in this dream, he had taken on the role my mother played in real life when I tried desperately to get away from Danik and dump his ass, over and over and over, yet she wouldn't let this happen...so this character my Man played in this dream really pissed me off...I know he'd never be this way, but damn this dream was vivid.
In my dream, I was, just like with Danik, trying to separate myself from my mother. When I'd get around her, I'd get angry and start swearing at her, calling her names, telling her all the things I've been wanting to say to her, but all this was making me even more angry because it was making me feel badly for her as I knew this was hurting her. So, I tried really hard to stay away (like I am doing in real life) but my Man (who again took mothers role with Danik) was making me feel badly for treating my own mother this way. That she loved me so much and was trying to do the best she could. That I was taking this all out of proportion and that she really had my best interest at heart. (All the same bullshit she spewed at me in real life when I tried to dump Danik over and over and over again, and she would gaslight me into believing it was my fault and Danik was the good person in the situation.) So, my Man (who, again, in real life, would NEVER talk to me like this) kept telling me to talk to her, spend time with her, let things slide, that they weren't as bad as I was imagining them...just completely gaslighting me too.... Then my alarm went off.......and I woke up PISSED!!!
This is the shit she pulled on my every time I tried to dump Danik. Her forcing him on me like that, is what made me completely hate her. Sure, the shit she put me through during my first twenty years of life was horrific and absolute bullshit...but this...I had finally started to get away from being under another person's thumb...sort of anyway, I still was made to take care of my elderly family members ...but I was almost free...after thirty years of being ruled by someone else... then she shows back up and completely takes over my life again and forces me to stay in a relationship that, after less than a year of being together, I didn't want anything to do with...I hated him. And I hate her for it. Now I am dreaming of this shit, and as much as some of my Parts want so badly to just give in and be ok with her ...she is old now and god only knows how much longer we all have... there's other Parts of me that are like F this shit...why should I have to give in to anyone. I love her, I do, she is my mother, but boy do I ever hate her...and this dream really stirred that shit back up for me. I do wish I could forgive her and spend time with her, but I can't see that happening ... and the idea of not having a decent parent really still eats at my Child Parts who only ever just wanted to be loved. And to show my Parts this love they so need and desire, I have to stay away from people like my mother so these Parts can have peace and get the love they want from my Self, and I hope that will be enough for them!
* I've also got to get a hold on these dreams...they're making me nuts!!! *