"To Make Me Happy!!!"
... my little girl ...
Baby Sweetums!!!! - Spying Sweetums!!!
I miss everything about these two photos!!!
September 9, 2024
Now don't get me wrong, I like being touched...but it should be my choice. However, with my horrific past, it's almost impossible to stand up for myself, and stop the unwanted touches. Even to this day, I still can't say, "No, Don't Touch Me!" Even politely, if there is such a way, I just can't do it.
Even when it's completely inappropriate touching, I still have a problem standing up for myself. Now, in all fairness, it's been a couple of years since someone had done something like that to me (yay covid...sort of... "yay, we're not allowed to touch"). But I still couldn't say anything, and I was so disappointed with myself.
We were at the Cornwall Racetrack, two summers ago, sitting in the stands, and this guy behind me continuously kept rubbing his foot up my ass cheeks. I'd shift so my body wouldn't be in that spot anymore and then he would be right back at it again, and again, and again. Finally, I got up so I could walk up to the top and stretch out my pain spots, and as I walked away, I realized he was wearing flipflops, he knew exactly what he was doing!!! and I was completely disgusted and pissed. I figured he hadn't realized what he was doing, I thought he'd have on work boots or even big shoes and was just so into the races that he didn't notice what he was doing...but there was NO WAY he didn't know that he was rubbing his toes up my ass, over and over and over again. But instead of shitting on him for being a dirty fn creep, I just went up to the standing area and stayed up there until my group was ready to leave. I wouldn't dare go back to my seat, which I had every right to be at, just so I didn't have to, one, be molested again by this prick, and two, have to try and have some self-confidence and stand up for myself and my personal space. But it wasn't fair, I had every right to sit there with my friends, enjoying the event, without being molested, just like everyone else, and yet, again, I wasn't able to...and I couldn't, and didn't, stand up for myself. I wanted to hide instead, which is, sadly, what I did!
Well, it happened again. I didn't hide, no, but I didn't stand up for myself either. It wasn't, well hopefully anyway, a perverted touch (as much as I feel like it is), but I still didn't want it and couldn't say no. It was just a hug, but I shouldn't have to be touched by anyone I don't want touching me...whether it's just a hug or anything more. And to me, even the hug feels sleezy and forced...like he's trying to get a feel of my breasts stuffed against him, and I hate it.
This man, that I really don't even know, whom I see a few times a year during Fall Fair season only, seems to have to always give me these big tight long hugs, and I don't want to be touched by him at all. "I don't know you!" "I don't want to know you." and in all honesty, "I don't even really like you." So, "No!!! Don't touch me!!!" And yet, I still let him.
This is the beginning of our fair season too, so I have to see him a number of times, especially at our own fair where I volunteer and will have to see him for a week or so straight. And he seems to need this large, big hug each time. And I don't like these hugs, I really do believe he's just trying to cop a feel of my large breasts as he pushes himself hard against them each time. I FN HATE IT!!! And yet, I can't say "Don't Touch Me!"
I spoke with my Psychotherapist today about it and I still am on the fence of how to approach this. I'm not strong enough to just say "NO!" and put my hand out to just shake his and say, "I don't like being touched." And really, that is still pretty polite, but my Parts seem to have such a negative feeling from that...I need to be super polite about everything...but why should I have to ask for permission to not have someone else touch my body. My Parts are trained to be so polite that they are asking for permission to be left alone....
"Oh, Please, good Sir, may I ask that you not touch me...thank you!!!" as I bow and curtsey and beg and make myself small and unimportant...completely degrading myself and my needs!!!
OMFG, this so totally irks my other Parts that just want to kick him hard in the nuts and walk away. Why should I still, after all these years, feel like I need to bow down to anyone just so I can try and receive even the smallest bit of respect...f*ck that shit!
This IS MY Body!!!! MINE!!! ...not yours, not anyone else's... MINE!!!! I have every right to be left the F*ck alone!!! ... Don't touch me!!! ...
But, sadly, as angry as this makes me, I still can't see me standing up for myself, at least not this year. I hate ruffling feathers, and I don't think I am strong enough to take the negative feedback that I am certain will come with this kind of situation. But, maybe next year, after another year of Psychotherapy, as we keep working on myself, my boundaries and my needs, maybe I'll feel stronger and can say "Don't touch me!!" But this year, maybe I'll try my best to just avoid him!!! And just that'll be a feat in itself.
Update:
September 16, 2024
It was so nice...he wasn't there at all...what a wonderful week I had not having to worry about dodging him. And the more I spoke with the other women who volunteered at the Fair, the more the consensus was that he truly is a creep...so it's not just me, and my horrible past with males, that makes me uncomfortable to be around him...Nope...it's him...he is a Sleaze!! Now, I don't feel badly about telling him not to touch me...and I will probably have that chance this Thursday at opening ceremonies of the next fair we go to. Fingers crossed I still feel this strongly come that day!
Update:
October 4, 2024
I've been to two fair opening ceremonies (the third one we missed as we thought it was on Thursday like the rest) and was at the other fair that we missed, yesterday to drop off equipment. The first one, I kept my back to him and didn't acknowledge him at all, then when I saw him on the grounds, I made a beeline the other way to avoid him. I wasn't too keen on acting this way, but I did what I needed to do and was able to avoid him...so still proud of myself for that much.
The second fair I walked right past him like I didn't see him and when he was standing behind me as I sat at the table I didn't acknowledge him again...sort of snobby but still accomplishing what I need, to not be touched. So, again my Parts are mostly happy! (The ones that think I need to stand up for myself are a little peeved, but hey, maybe they can take charge next year when my gentler Parts are a little stronger and can handle the stronger Parts attitude.)
Then yesterday when I saw him, I went and sat down immediately so he couldn't come in for a hug. I talked to him sort of but kept pretty much to myself, after a while he left and then we finished eating and left too (I ate like a piglet too, so he'd be grossed out by me...I used to use this tactic when I was a little kid to make the adult men leave me alone...sly right, I know). I might see him tomorrow, so I don't know how I am going to be yet...depends on which Parts are "On Duty", but I am sure I'll still be able to avoid being touched and that is what is to be accomplished, no matter if it's me trying to avoid him, or if I finally straight out and tell him, "Don't touch me!"