Quick Sketches of Me as a Little Girl; one crying, the other alone and scared.
They are still with me; still crying, alone and scared!!!
(Sketched July 2020)
November 3, 2024
I was always told "Don't Talk About It! Don't tell others what is happening. This is no one's business. Keep it to yourself. Etc. Etc." This happened often as a child, and then as an adult it was repeated over and over. Like it was my fault what was happening to me, and I wasn't allowed to discuss it with anyone...not even amongst my siblings, to the point we still don't talk about it. But man is it ever lonely dealing with this sort of crap without being allowed to talk to anyone about it.
The hardest part is the stigma society seems to have regarding talking about the abuse that happened, then the mental and physical health issues that arose from that trauma. Society says to talk about it, but no one wants to actually hear it. "You can talk about it, but not with me. You can talk about it, but only with your therapist." Why is there so much hiding of something that is so prevalent and happens to so many people quite often...and the survivors are left to deal with this crap alone in silence.
I, however, have no real problems talking about most of it. Some things I may never talk about, but mostly because I don't want to hurt my family...go figure that out. But I don't want to keep all that crap in anymore either. I've tried for a very long time to get it out. To be heard, to release these burdens, and nothing ever worked ... I never felt like my needs were being met ... not to where I needed them, that is for sure. But I feel that with my current Psychotherapy, IFS Therapy, and with blogging and sharing my stories, this all has really helped me do that. Sure, journaling helped, I was getting it out of me and onto paper, but it didn't really release these burdens...the burdens of not being allowed to talk about the crap, of being made to hold it all in and absorb it. The pain of carrying all those horrific stories kept shoved down inside just to appease who...the perpetrators...that isn't right. Why should I have to carry all this crap...especially still, this many decades later ... decades of crap too by the way ... being held inside my body that is just failing on me more and more because of this. All because someone needed something they shouldn't have taken from another person, especially a small child, then to force that child to hold on to that abuse/anger/guilt/shame and make it fester until the brain has had enough and makes it come out in different ways such as mental and physical illnesses. Then to spend my adult life being told the same things, to be made to hold it all in ... my body has had enough. She suffers daily ... every single day my body is in pain, some days it's not too bad, other days (like today) I am in dire straits. I hurt so badly I can no longer get comfortable enough to sleep. I have been like this for about four days now and it is only getting worse no matter what I try. I had been doing some work that really stirred up my hip pain to where it now runs down my leg into my calf, so while I lay down the pain is excruciating but I can't sleep any other way as that just triggers my other pain spots.
This pain is basically because I was abused, then told to absorb it and let it slide. This is what not talking about it does to a person. It makes them sick. Why should I, a survivor of abuse, who already had to deal with the abuse initially, still have to deal with it again as mental and then physical health illnesses. The stigma regarding abuse/trauma and not being able to discuss this crap openly is one thing, but to have the perpetrators tell you you're not allowed to talk about it as well just makes it fester, and it just gets worse. As a survivor of decades of horrific abuse, I know I deserve better then to keep it inside and make myself worse. I know I have every right to share my stories, release these awful burdens that I never deserved in the first place, in hopes that maybe one day I can lead a sort of normal life before it's finally all over.
I cannot listen to this song as it stirs up so much hurt inside...
"In the Air Tonight"
Phil Collins
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin
I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies
...
Well, I remember
I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget?
...
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up
No, you don't fool me
Well, the hurt doesn't show
But the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you or me
...
Too bad too because it is a beautiful song, but just the words for me hit so hard, I can't listen to it! Whatever the song actually means, for me, it's child abuse and being kept silenced.