Common Sulfur Butterfly
My favourite butterfly family as I can relate to their erratic behaviour,
zipping around the yard, on a beautiful sunny day, with no clear destination.
October 16, 2024
"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention!" ... has got to be my most used sentence in my entire life, mostly due to dissociation (and sometimes because I get bored and lose interest...I do have ADHD after all... "ooo, something shiny" ). I'm almost always lost in my head somewhere, fluffing around high in the clouds, not paying attention. For the most part, I literally run on autopilot ... I can actually visualize it ... I'm sitting far back inside my head, I can see what's going on outside the windows of my eyes as my body keeps doing what it's doing, but I'm far away chatting it up with my Parts, as my body just goes through the motions of whatever task I'm up to at that time. The funniest thing, and I guess embarrassing thing though about it is that people catch me 'staring or looking weirdly at them', but I really don't see them, they're just where my eyes ended up...my eyes are not focused on anything because they are on autopilot, they are doing their own thing while I chat it up in the back of my head with my Parts.
I've always been this way, and I know it drives people nuts/weirds people out, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it. Dissociation is one of my many coping mechanisms and is one I developed as a very young small child to deal with the excessive insane trauma and abuse I had to deal with on a pretty much daily basis. The older I got, and the more abuse and trauma I endured, the further into my own head I went. Mostly, I was safe in there...and it was fun, I always had friends to talk to, they were just my own Parts, but that made them my best friends as we knew each other very well and had tons in common. I enjoyed being in there as I could do and be whatever I wanted, I could be nice to myself, I could just enjoy my life inside while the outside was crazy, chaotic and oh so cold.
It wasn't all sunshine in there though, a lot of the time was ruminating about all the crazy in my life, but a good portion was daydreaming, so that was fun. The ruminating happened most often when I was in a scary space in my life, which really was basically all the time, but sometimes it would let off enough to daydream as well. But often I'd ruminate on the bus to and from elementary school, and while in class (hence why they called me lazy, always daydreaming and a space cadet). On the way to school I'd think about; if the kids at school liked me today, if I was going to be able to dodge the principals' sexual advances (I didn't know that's what they were, I just knew I didn't like those touches), if I got my homework done, and if I did, did I get it done right or will I be bullied by the teachers for my screwups. During school I'd try to go through all the shit happening at that very moment; why do my friends hate me now, why did the teacher have to pick on me again, why am I stuck sitting in the corner on the floor again, why am I always being punished for being me? Then on the ride from school, I'd then think about; what happened that day, about the negative treatment and bullying I received and what was going to happen tomorrow ... but then my thoughts would shift to; what's it going to be like when I got back to my residence, what kind of mood are my insane parents in, will my siblings be nice to me, is there food to eat, how cold is it going to be, what kind of work am I expected to do today on top of my usual daily chores. ...oh...and what was for homework...shit, I wasn't paying attention...oh well...just something else to worry about...
But the daydreams were fantastic. I could do and be anything. I could have a safe life, a loving family, nice friends. I could do fun things instead of just go to school and work all the time. I'd pretend I too was going on the trips like the other kids in school were going on. Or that I too had fancy clothes like theirs. Or the nice big lunches like they'd be eating. Best yet, I'd pretend to be the squirrel in the yard outside my school window having fun, eating what it finds, playing in the trees, not being bullied, or attacked, or yelled at, or made to do all kinds of work ... but ... then I'd get yelled at by the teacher and made an example of for 'daydreaming and not paying attention' in class, then I'd get more work to do and sent to the hall to sit alone quietly, or even worse, sent to the ...god forbid... principal's office, where I'd have to try and fight off his sexual advances again (remember, I'm 5-6-7-8-9-10-11 years YOUNG!!!), while trying to get this new pile of work done ...asides from the sexual abuse (at school, it still happened elsewhere), the rest of this still happened to me well into high school too, but by then I just started skipping class and that was that ... no wonder I spent so much time in my head.
Once junior high school started it was all about boys, so now I was daydreaming about meeting a really nice guy and getting away from all this shit...I know...I was too young to be leaving my 'family', but it was nice to daydream about the escape from all that hell. This became my regular daydream for decades after as well...all I ever wanted was to find one person to just love me, help me, be by my side, be my best friend...it was a wonderful daydream!
Dissociation also made doing the mundane work I had to do regularly much easier. I could go off into my own world as I swept and washed the floors, washed the windows, walls and light fixtures, did the dishes, clean the barn, mow the lawn, shovel snow, etc. etc. etc....none of this kind of work needed me to be present and it was great. I could just daydream about anything while doing the work. Work that required me to stay present was a bit more difficult for me to do, but I would still get a lot of it done without much mishap...except getting yelled at for not getting the right tool, or talking too much, not holding something right...even if it was way too heavy for my tiny little body to manage (how they thought 8 year old me was strong enough to hold 4x8 drywall boards is beyond me) ... but the worst was the flashlight as this happened every time as I was made to help father fix something outside in the dark regularly. I'd get bored standing there then I'd get lost in my head and the flashlight would move around, and man did I get shit on for that...even if I was freezing, tired, hungry, being eaten by mosquitoes, if the flashlight moved even an inch I'd get yelled at and called every name he could think of. But I'd put the light right back where he wanted it ...and then dissociate again... and he'd get angry all over again, and again, and again ... and yet it was still always me made to help ...figure that out...
To this day I still dissociate, it's well ingrained into me. It's not something I can change. I try, I do, I'd like to be more present, actually see my life happening out of my own eyes, instead of them as windows far away, and spend actual quality time with others. But instead, being dissociated is basically where I spend a good 85% of my time. Sometimes things grab me and bring me back to present, a pretty butterfly goes past my view, leaves begin to shimmer in a breeze, a critter runs across my path, but mostly I'm just in my head. The ones that grab my attention by scaring me back are the worst though, the loud bang while I am lost in my head in a quiet space...totally gets my back up and triggers pain so I try to stay in areas that remain quiet...I hate being scared back into the present...I really enjoy the gentle nudges like butterflies (hint-hint Universe). This happens often while I am writing, I'll be so invested in what I am doing that there is nothing else around me and I am in my words...then a large bang happens, and I pretty much jump out of my skin and that makes me so angry. Or when I'm walking around the farm, I'll find a dip in the land and just about put my back out, or in winter I'll find the slippery spots and almost end up on my ass triggering pain...sure it brings me back to present, but it could be a little nicer at it...maybe a cute chickadee flies by instead ??!!...
But in the end, I am still grateful for this coping mechanism, dissociation. It's hard to deal with, I lose a lot from it, and I know a lot of people think I am weird because of it, but if not for dissociating I don't know if I could have made it through my life. I had a tremendously insane childhood, youth, young adult ... first 40 years of my life ... I don't know if I could have dealt with it not being able to escape into myself, and to have my Parts as my companions back there with me. This coping mechanism kept me as sane as I guess I can be, as happy as is possible, and best of all, still alive!!! I have to give huge credit to my Self, my Parts and this difficult, yet amazing, coping mechanism for keeping me on this planet this long and in a pretty good headspace considering all I've gone through.