If I had my life to live over again,
I would find you sooner
so that I could love you longer!
When I say I Love You,
I say it to remind you,
that you are the best thing
that ever happened to me!
(Clips from my journal that I had read somewhere and had written it down.)
May 27, 2024
Today's psychotherapy session was about my disappointment and resentment towards my past, towards the Universe for what I had to go through, and for not getting what I feel I should have had. One of my parts usually starts with, "It isn't fair!" then a second part chimes in with old responses from other people, always in a snarky tone, "Life isn't fair!" and I then sadly and angrily respond "Ya, but it doesn't have to be a complete bag of shit either!"
Now, I know my life isn't a bag of shit, my life right now anyway, is absolutely fantastic. I live in the most beautiful house I could have ever asked for. I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love deeply that I can trust and depend on, and he always has my back. My cats get to have a safe space to live. And I get to do what I can to get by with my daily chronic illnesses. My life right now is absolute peaches, and yet, I can't shake this disappointment and resentment.
The amount of crap I went through in my life was far more than anyone should have had to deal with. "God only gives you what you can handle!"...hmmm...I think they may have forgotten about me, or worse, saw me as a punching bag. Now, I'm not saying other people's lives were any easier than mine, I just feel I really didn't need all that crap. The first 20 years, ok, I guess, whatever...but then another 20 years of the exact same shit, seriously, I didn't learn enough shit the first time that I had to do it all again, and also waste "the best years of my life"!?
And the reason this keeps nagging at me, punching me in the face again and again, is that the Man of my Dreams was right there, over and over, and yet I was never allowed to meet him until I was nearing 40 years old...seriously...he was in reaching distance so many times and yet I had to go through some of the most idiotic horrific Relationshits ever, before I got to be with him. I had already dealt with so much shit the first 20 years of my life; I know I sure as hell didn't need to do it again for another 20 years. I could have just been with my amazing Man all this time, the past 30 years at least...aww, the wonderful life we could have built together...makes me so sad...
So, I fantasize about all the ways we could, and should, have met. Of how our lives could be now, and in my mind our lives would be magical because it already is, why couldn't it have been all this time. But I can't even enjoy what I have at this moment, which is absolutely fantastic, because I am so full of disappointment and resentment for not being with him all this time. I love this Man so much! He is the kindest, most loving, generous, and thoughtful person I know. He's sweet, caring, hardworking, fun and funny. He loves me for me, lets me do my thing and when I need a hand, he's right there beside me. And when I am really down, he helps me back up and even leads the way, literally holding my hand. He is the most incredible Man I have ever met, and he is exactly what I have always wanted, and deserved...yet he was just out of reach for those first 40 years.
Again, don't get me wrong! I am so happy, lucky and grateful to be with him now, and living on this beautiful farm because of him, but I just can't shake the feeling that I missed out on such a wonderful life with him by us not meeting sooner. I wrote in my journal that "If I had my life to live over again, I would find you sooner so I could love you longer!!" I know I had read that somewhere but it's true. I'd give up everything to have been with him all this time. There is nothing that I have, or have done, that is more important to me then him...and he was right there the entire time...yet I got to deal with more shit instead of being with the most incredible Man I have ever known...and this knowledge eats at me every day...and I can't just be happy with what I have now. I know I can't change anything...I'm not smart enough to make a time machine. I can't go back to 20 and show up on his doorstep that was in walking distance of my residence. Or to my teens when he would visit my Godmother. Or to the many jobs I had where he actually frequented. Or any other of the many times our paths crossed...oh, the disappointment...
So, these fantasies of the different ways our paths crossed, are now being written in my second book, Part 5 of the series, because I need to release this disappointment and resentment for not having him all this time so that I can enjoy what I have now. Because, again, what I have now is so tremendously incredible! He is truly the best Man I have ever known, and this is the most beautiful place I have ever lived, and I want to just be present and enjoy this wonderful life!!!
Yellow Columbine, Flower Garden behind house, White Columbine with Johnny Jump Ups.