January 23, 2025
I have been receiving disability benefits for about twenty years since I got diagnosed in 2004 with Trigeminal Neuralgia. My life was amazing the year before...I was 28, had an awesome job, was basically single (I say basically because the X still stalked me and came around as much as he could...but he, in my mind, was gone) and I had fantastic goals I was aiming for. I was planning on becoming an Environmental Lawyer and if that didn't pan out, I was going to apply to be a Firefighter. I wasn't allowed to leave my hometown (I had to stay to keep taking care of my grandmother and now her older sister too) so only applied to one University, but admissions really liked me...they liked my goals, asides from Enviromental Lawyer, I was going to do Pro-bono work for women in need.
To write the LSAT my doctor thought I'd benefit from taking ADHD medicine, and it did help...I was able to really focus for the first time in my life...it was so cool. However, it turned out, it triggered/exacerbated the Trigeminal Neuralgia, and within a few months of taking that medication, I was hospitalized and then put on sick leave. By the end of the year the company I worked for folded, my abusive X was back in my life sort of, the little bit of money I had been able to save (because he was out of my life-ish) was gone, and any plans I had fell deep into a pit.
I spent years trying to get over this illness (which still hasn't happened), but other awful things kept landing on top of it. That abusive X was still coming around, my grandmother had become ill, my horrifically controlling mother moved into my apartment, and I (stupidly) began doing online dating as I was so lonely (what a shit idea that was...don't do online dating). I let my guard down and allowed another abusive male into my life, whom my mother loved and pushed that relationship. And deeper I sank as I was then made to reside with him. My health steadily declining further and further.
I tried many ways to find a job, but with my extremely terrible health issues, it never amounted to anything. I got a diploma for Paralegal Communications but couldn't handle office work anymore. I then got my Fine Arts diploma (while residing with that second abusive male) and I still work on my art, but it is hard with my severe pain. I got my Personal Training certificate, plus many other certificates with it, so I could try to work, but out here in the country there are not many gyms, and they only want people with experience, I only have my training. So, I thought I'd teach at my home, which is easier for me anyway, so I don't have to leave and worry about my health issues. I studied Yoga and began teaching that here, but that didn't really work as I could only teach it outside, and the weather didn't cooperate as often as I had hoped. And with my constant pain, it was just too much, and I let that go too.
So now I write...it still hurts though, as sitting kills... (but standing kills...walking kills...some days even breathing kills...siting is just the least painful - sort of) ...but I am trying so hard to change my circumstances. Asides from writing as a way to release my past traumas and maybe heal my poor tired body, I am trying to write to maybe find a way to have a career. To be able to provide for myself again. I'll be 50 in March...50...and all I want is to be able to know I can give myself some sort of safety net, so if I do live longer, I can afford it. Now, don't get me wrong, I am super grateful for my disability benefits (I am in too much pain and my body is too unreliable for me to work at a job...sadly, as I do miss working, and people {most days}), but it doesn't even cover the cost of living. Then to top off trying to heal and paying for mostly all that out of my own pocket as physio, supplements, and other things I have been trying, sadly, are not covered in our healthcare system. And yes, you bet, I have a wonderful Man who helps me, but I don't want to have to rely on him, and he really shouldn't have to be handing out this sort of help, this is my life, and this should be up to me... ...but yes, you bet, I am absolutely grateful for all that he does for me!!! He truly is a wonderful Man!!!
So, this is why I am trying so hard to reach out for help with my writing and the chance to become a Motivational Speaker. That maybe someone will see how hard I am working to change my life, and that my motivations are truly honourable as I want to also help others change their lives as well. Maybe that someone will help me just by giving me a little leg up. I'm not asking for funds, but maybe just a shout out, or a book signing, anything to just get my work out to those who need it. Yes, I want a career, I so want something more for my life ... but ... I also want that career to help others to not have to live the life I have been living (wasting...it sucks so bad). For them to see they too can get help, move forward, make the most of their lives as best they can, no matter what kind of crappy hand they were dealt. We are a community! We are all in this together!! And we should be helping each other up, making each other's lives better! My hope is that my benefitting will help others benefit as well! That's what life is for...it's not just "For Me", it's "For Us!"