4 Leaf Clovers (Gran always said they called to me) and Toady in my flower bed.
May 15, 2024
Depression is so hard to handle at times. She seems to be able to just take over and you can't get away from her. She becomes all-consuming, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to shake that horrible, draining, low feeling that clings to you, that tightens her grip on you, and you feel like at any moment the darkness will take you and you will be no more. There's no relief in sight and you sink further and further into this despair to the point of wanting to just end it all, to just finally suicide and leave it all behind. It's deep inside, that burning, nagging, exhausted Part that just can't seem to take it anymore...she's so tired of trying and failing and trying and failing and trying and failing, such a repetitive negative punch in the face over and over. That was me this time last year. I could feel the depression deep inside of me. I could feel the need, the want, to suicide so badly it ached, right down to my core. That Part (or Parts) of me were so tired. They just couldn't take it anymore...they didn't want to take it anymore.
And what sucked the absolute most, is that my life is finally totally amazing, and I couldn't just enjoy it!!! I have everything I could ask for! I have a beautiful home that is beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of. I get to do what I want, when I want, and if I need time to just be, I can take it. I also have the most incredible Man in my life who lets me just be myself and lets me do what I need to do for my healing, he is the best!! And yet I could not get past that horrid feeling of depression, I could not stop the suicidal ideations. It was so deep!! I could not stop myself from dissociating then ruminating about my horrific past instead of just enjoying what I have now. I couldn't get rid of that old nagging resentment and disappointment. "Why did I have to deal with soooo much BS? What was the point to all that? Why do I have to suffer while all the perpetrators in my life get to just go on living their lives like they did nothing at all, yet I have to still be dealing with it...all this time later? I suffer the consequences of their actions physically and emotionally every day. I have to go for therapy to get over what they did to me. I have to pick up the financial burden of their abuse, not one of them have to pay a cent towards what they put me through. And I am sure none of them feel any remorse or disappointment in themselves, at least not enough to get therapy for their own BS... yet I still suffer for it." That just kept rolling through my mind constantly and I couldn't get away from it and it just kept dragging me further and further into that deep muddy pit that I could not get out of.
I had been going for psychotherapy for about 5 months when my Psychotherapist and I decided maybe it was time to go back on antidepressants again. I was hesitant because of my past experience with them...I had been heavily medicated for no apparent reason and ended up having seizures which later I was told from a Psychiatrist that the seizures were brought on from Serotonin Syndrome. So, taking an antidepressant was a little unsettling for me, but I knew there was no other way out of that pit, and decided I would go back on Prozac. I had good experience each time I went on that particular one, so that's the direction we took. And boy am I so very glad and grateful that we did this. It was the right course of action for me. As of right now I am feeling a million times better. I still dissociate and ruminate about all that old BS but now I am able to catch myself, and for the most part, I am able to get myself back up to the top of that pit and get out of that mud. I am so happy and lucky that I had my Psychotherapist to work with and we could make this decision together. I am beyond grateful to have been able to fight off that demon called Depression because my life is so amazing, and I can't believe I could have easily just ended it all not even a year ago. I am not one for pharmaceuticals but when it's needed, it's needed!!! I am so grateful for my perseverance and strength! I am grateful for my Psychotherapist and for Prozac! I am grateful for my amazing Man and this beautiful home! And I am grateful for the most amazing LIFE I get to finally LIVE now!!! Thank you, Universe, for getting me to this point!!! I am so grateful I made it!!! My Life is so worth Living!!!
Columbine and Bleeding Hearts
Daffodil
Johnny Jump Ups