Beautiful Day!!!
With a beautiful view from behind the barn, and a beautiful view from where I am writing!
October 1, 2024
I woke up around 7am with the Trigeminal Neuralgia at a good 8.5 in my face today, but it's a gorgeous day so what's the point in being miserable because of it. I hurt every day. There's nothing I can do about that. But I can't let it stop me from enjoying what I can enjoy in my life despite everything.
I see people who just let the crap consume them, and I don't want to be like that. I can't understand how they don't try to make changes, so they don't have to live like that either. It's so heart wrenching to live like that, and to watch others stay in that kind of mindset.
And I know it's hard to change your mindset, I know this far too well. But to let the days go by, and miss the beauty in it, especially without trying to make a difference, just absolutely sucks. Why should I have to be miserable because of the miserable things happening to me (my health) ...or have happened to me (decades of abuse). Yes, I've had a shit-ton of absolute crap happen to me. Yes, I deal with a shit-ton of daily health issues that should make me want to crawl into a hole and just wait out my time. But I want so badly to live my life. I want to feel what good I can, as there is so much good in my life despite all the shit. I love where I live. I love my Man! I love going for therapy. I love writing! I love being outside. I love seeing the changing seasons. All of this makes me so happy. Why would I want to hide and miss it just because I am in a ton of pain, or because I woke up in a negative mindset, or that I can't change my situation (...at least not yet ... and that makes me sad). But being sad, and angry, and resentful, and in pain, and tired, all just sucks... I'd rather look past it and try to see the good beyond all that shit. There's so much to be grateful for and I want so much to see it. To live it. To live in it!
I try so hard to heal. To move forward. It's hard, I know ... it's so friggen hard ... but it's also so friggen worth it. I could easily just hide and let the pain consume me. Let the ruminating take over, and fall deeper into that dirty old pit, but what kind of life is that. A sad, lonely, miserable one that I don't want. That I don't deserve. I unwillingly went through all those decades of abuse, as well as extreme mental and physical health issues, why should I allow those things to still control my life now. I know people see me and think my life is peaches... and it really is...I suffer, god I suffer a lot...the pain is unrelenting...but I'd rather have a smile on my face, be nice to others, enjoy what I can. I'm tired, I can admit it. I get fed up easily and just want to retreat into the darkness, but then I think about all that I will be missing. This planet is so gorgeous. My home is the most beautiful place I have ever lived. My Man is the most incredible person I have ever had in my life. I am safe. I am loved. These are things I've never had before, and I am so blessed and lucky to have what I have, that I really can't let my past and my pain take any more of my life. It's hard! I agree with that completely, and some days "changing my attitude" is beyond difficult...but I WANT to have more. I want to enjoy all that is wonderful!! All that I already do have! Yes, I hurt. Yes, I am tired. But god this life is still so incredible, and I am so happy to be strong enough to force myself to see beyond the crap, to change my mindset, and not keep being miserable.
First shot, when I woke up with the Trigeminal Neuralgia.
(it was so painful)
The two other shots, just playing outside on this beautiful day!!
(the bright sun hurts, but it's just so amazing out)