Beautiful sun and almost clear sky all day, view of barn and farm from the back porch.
June 3, 2024
In therapy today we spoke about all the pain I have been in since last week's session and how the trauma I was forced to go through has manifested itself as anger then as pain. Last week's session brought up a lot of pain for me because it brought up a ton of anger. This anger I feel is mostly towards what the trauma has cost me. I lost years to it with this severe chronic pain that I just can't get away from. Instead, it just keeps escalating, from severe headaches for the past few months it seems, to disabling pain in my spine through to my chest plate and sometimes around the ribs to where I can hardly breath, and now to the psoas muscle and both hips just this past week. Don't get me wrong, I have pain in those spots, plus many others, all the time, but not to this extent this often. And I know it's being triggered by the anger I am stirring up. Last session we spoke about Disappointment and Resentment and with that comes extreme, justified anger...but then that just brings more pain.
Now, I really can't say it's the trauma itself that causes this deep anger. Seriously, shit happens. Some people just totally suck...there's not much that can be done about that. I am sure everyone has been abused at some point in their lives, some of us a bit more than others, but it is what it is, and now it can just go away. But it won't...it just manifests itself as pain. And what truly pisses me off, what causes the most insufferable anger, is the aftermath of it all...the pain then the loss associated to that trauma. I'm not saying the trauma wasn't horrific and just absolute bullshit, but ok, it happened, there, the end, now piss off, go away, let me get on with my life. The abusers got their rocks off and then went on their happily merry way...so why can't I just walk away from it too? Why do I still have to suffer the consequences of their actions, something I had no say in. I didn't plan any of it. I didn't choose it. I sure as shit didn't want it. Yet I got it, and all the crap that comes with it afterwords.
Fine, so the crap happened in the first place...whatever...fine, done and done. Now I just keep going right?...wrong!...I still sit and suffer. I don't choose to. I'd much rather just forget about it. Push it deep down inside and leave it there. But it's like rotten food packed deep in a sink drain. It has to come out or it will just keep getting worse. That's what trauma is like, it's like dirty smelly rotten crap trapped deep down inside causing all kinds of havoc and you can't live your life. This trauma manifests itself in different ways when not truly delt with, and for me it's this unrelenting all over pain. That's what bothers me the most, that is where my anger comes from. I am so tired of always being in pain. I just want to feel good enough to have a life. To not suffer daily in horrific pain. To maybe have a job again. Do fun things that I miss. I'm angry because I am missing out on a life, but also for the time I've already lost to the suffering. I'm almost 50 ... 50 ... I've lost so much to their crap and yet they just keep on living their lives with no consequences, while I still suffer.
I had pushed that trauma aside, I've tried to push it down deep, but it needs to be dealt with whether I want to or not. Trauma takes on its own life, and if not worked through, it takes over yours. It's like a dirty kitchen. Trauma initially rots and ferments like food piled up on dirty dishes around an overloaded sink that you're just too tired to clean. Then slowly, you start to tidy up that countertop, but the exhaustion makes you take shortcuts and instead of properly dealing with it you just try pushing the stink down the drain, trying to make it go away. But pushing it down, adding more and more as you try to deal with this horrific mess, only makes it worse. Then the smell really starts to come out. Putrid. Nauseating. Making it so hard to even breath. And no matter how hard you try to force it down, it just stays put. Fermenting. Reeking. Causing havoc. Now, it's too late. It's completely clogged and backing up...and because of this, the dirty dishes have re-piled, and the stench has taken over. The countertop is a terrible disgusting mess of rotting dishes and you're so fed up, that you've given up. Now, because it's just too much to deal with, there's piles of garbage tossed into this mess, and bugs have taken over. It truly has become absolute chaos and it's almost unbearable. You can't function in that environment, and you begin to lose all hope. You feel it will never be like it was before this all began, and it will remain like this forever.
That is what it feels like when you push trauma down and ignore it. It escalates until it feels like there's no coming back from it. But then, just like when starting therapy, you start slowly, by clean up the garbage off the counter, then scrape the rotten scraps off the plates and properly pile them to the side to make room so you can get to the clogged drain. You can use chemicals to make it a little easier, try and open the trap to pull some of the mess out, or use something to dig deep down and try to pull it back up to the surface. And, even with all your might, it's still a fight, a battle, sometimes you get ahead, sometimes it just makes things worse. But you keep fighting. There's a huge mess being made, and you're thinking this was a bad idea. That maybe it was easier before and you should have just left it clogged. But, after a while...sometimes what feels like a very long while...the clog seems to loosen, and the water begins to go down the sink and now you you're making some progress. Periodically though it sticks again, and you begin to lose hope, but you try the same tactics as before, and this time it's a little easier.
This is where I am now in my therapy. The drain is beginning to unclog a little easier. I am hopeful that soon it'll just remain clear and running so I can clean up that mess that was forced onto me...that dirty countertop...and I can get rid of the chaos that I have shoved way down inside of me and can have a clean slate to work from...a clean countertop. At least one I can manage and have less rotten stink to deal with. I really want to enjoy what time I have left and the place where I am now, but to do that, I need to get rid of this anger from the pain that's been caused by the many traumas I suffered and then stuffed deep down inside.
Beautiful flowers behind the house
Columbine, Johnny Jump Ups, Chamomile, Delphinium, Sage, Columbine