Kayaking and Windsurfing
Dancing and Dinner
Rescuing kitten and posing on a dock.
CUBA - March 2003
The only international trip I had ever been on. The first commercial flight I had ever taken. The best time I had ever had!!! With the greatest friend I've ever known!!!
All happened in 2003!!!
September 19, 2024
Oh, how I wish I could go back to 2003!!! It was truly the best year of my life! The only way it could have been better was if I had met my Amazing Man back then...Oh but to dream!!!...because, god, I wish I had met him then!!!...things would have been so much better had he come into my life way earlier!!! But asides from that...which of course, didn't sadly happen...the rest of my life in 2003 was so wicked awesome!
Ok, this sounds a bit mean, and I don't intend for it to sound that way, but Grandpa had passed away two years before, so now I only had to care for Grandma and her old sister which was a lot easier then Gramps...we had to bring him for dialysis 3 times a week and he really was a handful the rest of the time too...on top of having jobs to go to, trying periodically to go back to school, and dealing with an asshole of a partner.
Well, that asshole of a partner was basically out of my life. In 2002, he had weaseled his way back into my place only because I was really softhearted and wanted to be nice and help him out (which I still don't know why I did that for...not my fault he always spent too much money and was always in dept... but that's another story). I was also dating a pretty cool dude that I actually liked (he turned out to be a dick too...no surprise...and another story) so I didn't see a problem renting a room to my X whom I call Stefin in my writing. Once I stopped dating the other dude though, Stefin tried to weasel his way back into my bedroom, but that never happened. And by early Spring he too was gone (another story), and I was all by myself. Yes, Gran and her sister were downstairs, but I had my apartment all to myself, I had a super awesome job, I was as healthy as I was ever going to be, and I was just finally living my life. I was (except I had no choice but to care for Gran and her sister) basically free! It was so amazing!!!
My place was great! I had the second-floor apartment of my Grans duplex. It had 2 bedrooms and a den, a balcony and two entrances, so I didn't have to be worried about bothering them when I came home late. I had renovated it to what I wanted, and it was absolutely all mine. The house was close to Dows Lake, and I rode my bike everywhere. In the winter I'd spend as much time as I could skating on the canal. I'd walk everywhere else, and unless I couldn't get somewhere by any of those means, I'd take the reliable bus system. It was perfect.
I had a super awesome job that I really liked, working at a Fitness Centre, and had a woman boss who was the best boss I had ever had. She saw so much potential in me and kept giving me more responsibility and pay raises quite often. It made me feel so good about myself and I kept reaching further and trying to achieve more and more. Something I hadn't ever received from anyone and had never really had that desire to keep rising up the way I did. By the Fall of that year, I was the Head Receptionist for all the Fitness Centers and was based out of downtown, our best gym. The responsibilities I had were enormous and I absolutely loved being seen as someone who was worthy of that title. I worked so hard to get there and to keep that position. I even had a chequing and a savings account...something I had never been able to have before with all the people in my life always taking my earnings (more stories). This all made me want for more, to do better. I had never been so proud of myself.
I had started preparing to write the LSAT to go to Ottawa University and was talking with Admissions who really seemed to like me. I had also been working out like crazy and was super strong...so strong in fact that the others in the gym would come watch me train...they'd often tell me to apply to be a Fire Fighter, that they were hiring and they really wanted women, that I would be perfect for it ... and so I started to really think about maybe that would be my direction if I didn't get into Law School to become an Environmental Lawyer. I had it all planned out. Things were really going well for me. I was happy! I had everything (except my Amazing Man sadly...this part really irks me). And I had what I was seeing as a great future.
Then, it all went to shit.
I was told I had ADHD. Ok, no problem. Nothing changed, it was just a diagnosis nothing more. But!!! My Dr thought it would be best if I take ADHD medication to help me write the LSAT. And of course I listened to her...she's my Dr. So, I took the meds. And boy, I had never been so clear headed in my life. I took the meds at her office at Ottawa University and as I walked over the Mackenzie King bridge, I looked at the Lord Elgin Hotel and the shapes had never been so crisp, the colours so bold. It was incredible to be so focused and alert, and present. So, I stayed on the meds. I wrote the LSAT in February of 2004, it wasn't great, I'm not very good at analytical reasoning. But everything else was amazing. The Admissions office was still happy with me, and it all looked like things were really going my way.
Then it hit!!!
This horrific pain in the left side of my face and head. OMFG it was the worst thing to ever happen to me...and if you've read my other blogs, that's saying a lot!!! I tried really hard to keep working but by June I was in so much pain that my boss brought me from work to the hospital... (where I was treated like crap of course, but that's another story) ...and the next day saw my Dr who told me it was Trigeminal Neuralgia!!! (Again, another story but I'll share a bit here...the hospital said it was TMJ disorder, made me sick with morphine, and sent me home. My Dr gave my TM joint an injection to numb the pain, which did nothing, then said the hospital was wrong...its Trigeminal Neuralgia!) She said the pain was triggered by the ADHD meds...the meds I really shouldn't have bothered taking...and sure to hell wish I hadn't.
But just like that my life was done.
I saw numerous specialists, took tons of pills. Started smoking cannabis to help with the pain. I couldn't eat, it hurt so bad, everything had to be mush and even that was still difficult. I couldn't be around light, cold, wind, even a soft touch of fabric. Everything was a trigger. I was exhausted. And all I could do was eat popsicles and sleep. I was on EI, then that ran out. I used my savings, then that too ran out. I had to wait two years, but finally was accepted on ODSP, where I still am to this day.
Everything has gotten far worse as you've read in my other blogs. The TN is still always present. I've grown accustomed to it for the most part. Some days when the stabbing/burning/ache is really bad it takes its toll on me, but I no longer suffer 24/7 from the TN like I use to for the first ten years or so. But the triggers are still there, I have to keep my ear covered to keep it warm. I can't let wind touch it. Cold wet hair hurts. Sometimes eating still hurts. Sometimes even just touching my ear hurts. The pain comes from the base of my skull to my left ear then shoots throughout the 5th cranial nerve, however, and whenever, she chooses. It is always present and sometimes just lying in wait. I never know when to expect it but for the most part I have learned her patterns and triggers and have more or less figured out a way to prevent it as much as I can. I obviously have no control on weather nor my hormonal cycle, but I do know what helps during those times and can at least be proactive to make it a smoother ride.
This is why I want to go back to 2003. 2004 destroyed me and I just want to try this again as I've lost the last 20 years, the "best years of my life"(or so they say) to horrific pain that I sure as hell didn't deserve. I wish I could be back at Gran's place, working at my awesome job, and meeting my Amazing Man back then as he frequented the Deli by my house... Aww ... But To Dream!!!! What a tremendously wonderful life I could and should have had instead of wasting the last 20 years in horrific unrelenting pain.
(NOTE: These last ten years with my Amazing Man still have been the best years of my life; knowing love, safety, kindness, appreciation, respect, etc. etc. ...I just wish, one, it had been decade's' with him, and two, with little to no pain would have been super wicked awesome!!!)